Living with ADHD Part 2

Haha, so it’s been a while since I’ve posted. Life got in the way a lot. But that’s for a different post. Okay, picking up where I left off before…

5. Schedules

Strangely enough, I’m highly aware of time passing. I’m so highly aware that schedules are often anxiety inducing for me. I can’t stand the thought of being late. And so, I watch clocks like a hawk, set alarms like there are no storage limits, and wherever possible I make sure to arrive at least 20 minutes ahead of when I need to be there. Then, I wait in my car until I need to go in so I’m not the weirdo waiting in the waiting room.

But there’s another part of schedules - the long term part. The one where multiple tasks that take multiple days start to pile up. I’m not good at those. If you give me a task to do, I want to get it done then and there because I’ll forget. Lists help. But lists aren’t everything. Even the lists need lists, and then you have to remember where you put that dang list the last time you added to it.

I think the only saving grace I have is that I am also a people pleaser. I am highly aware of when someone is disappointed in me, and the anxiety of failing them or letting them down makes me hyper aware of what I’m doing. Honestly, I live either in unaware ADHD bliss or major anxiety.

6. Doom Scrolling

I learned the real name for this - executive dysfunction. There are just some days that I can’t seem to get out of bed, can’t seem to wake up or want to do anything but doom scroll through youtube shorts. On these days I feel so bad about myself. I feel incredibly lazy or just blah, and I know that I have a task to do and want to do it because I know I need to. But I can’t because my brain is not communicating with my limbs. It’s like the freeway between my brain and my limbs are crowded, like in rush hour traffic - not quite broken down, but also not quite getting through.

It can take hours to get myself out of this funk. Sometimes, I don’t get out at all and spend the whole day in bed, or on the couch, snacking and watching movies. I’ve learned to remember that sometimes resting is important. I’m not lazy when I allow myself to rest and recuperate. Maybe, those are days my brain just needs a break from being itself. As long as I don’t get stuck there forever, I’m okay just letting myself exist in the moment as a blob on the couch.

7. Habits = Impossible

Technically, forming real habits is next to impossible, not impossible entirely. We can form habits, but it takes a lot longer for someone with ADHD to form a regular habit than a neuro-typical person. Our brains are moving far too fast (sometimes far too slow) to allow anything to stick. 

I was watching something that made me really understand what’s happening (it was years ago, and I can’t even begin to remember where I heard this). It was someone in a video explaining to another person about the little voice in their head, making a list and repeating it over and over again in order to remember to get the task done. I remember nodding a lot and thinking to myself “Yes, that makes sense. I know what they’re talking about.” Well, come to find out, not everyone has this little voice in their head, nor do they need to make lists in their own head to remember to do a task. They just…do it.

I didn’t believe it.

Then, I talked to my sister, and it turns out, she was right. She didn’t need a little voice or a list or to even make a conscious effort to remember what it is she needs to get done. For her, it’s a real habit - one that she does automatically without thinking about it. Her brain is incredibly quiet.

Jealousy has never been greener.

8. Familiar comforts

Alongside hyperfixations and sensory issues comes this big boy.

I am prone to addiction. I know this. I’ve never talked about it with anyone, but there’s a reason I don’t smoke, drink, or take drugs. My “addictions” right now come in the form things that feel soft or comfortable, impulse shopping because something is pretty or matches my vibe, and food. Especially food. I fall into ruts on a regular basis. When I like the taste of something, I naturally gravitate towards it. I’ve craved foods I’ve tried so much that I would drive an hour away after work just to eat it, then go back home in time to go to sleep and wake up early for work the next morning (and I’m actually thinking of doing that with hawaiian barbecue tomorrow). I know that if I ever developed a taste or a pleasure from drinking, smoking, or doing drugs, I would never be able to stop myself. So, I just don’t take it. And I deliberately make sure to never put myself in a position to consume something that is harmful to me, even if it is socially acceptable in reasonable amounts, because for someone like me “reasonable” is never the same.

Familiar comforts are more addicting than anyone realizes. 

• I don’t like wearing dresses. It makes me feel exposed and out of control. I prefer cargo pants or jeans and a decent t-shirt.

• I will order the same familiar foods that I know I like even at a brand new restaurant I’ve never been to before, especially when I’m anxious. I need to have at least one thing those kinds of nights that I know is familiar and safe.

• I watch the same movies, tv-shows, and animes over and over again in the background because they are familiar and safe and I know them and know I liked them. The Conjuring movies have probably never been watched more by anyone else in the last seven years.

There are so many more things, too, probably, that I don’t even think about. It becomes nerve-wracking to put myself into a position that is new and interesting. I am already so out of control internally and externally that when it comes to the things I keep close, I want to be certain it’s comfortable and familiar.

Alright, I had better stop there tonight. There’s still more, but I’m getting myself back into good habits and bite-sized chunks are doable.