Living with ADHD

I have ADHD. I know, I know. This feels like the number one excuse for a lot of people these days. But…it’s not some great “get out of jail free card” that some seem to treat it.

It genuinely sucks. And I’m fairly certain mine lives in inattentive ADHD which, to be honest, doesn’t really feel like a lot of trouble when I compare my struggles to those I see on social media or others in my life who I know have it, too. 

But I need to stop doing that - diminishing it in myself - because otherwise, I’m doing the same thing that prevented me from getting diagnosed much earlier (and would have saved a lot of money in late fees). See, inattentive ADHD, especially in women and girls, are grossly underestimated to be disruptive. Hyperactivity is loud, and disrupts others, which is why it gets a lot of awareness and faces a lot of stigma. But inattentive ADHD is quiet and only disrupts the user because all of it takes place in the head. Plus, most people with ADHD actually have a mix of both, and it’s not always the same. Eventually, you begin to realize that the struggle is real.

I lived in self-denial. I still do in some aspects. There’s always that little voice in the back of my head that says, “You’re faking it. You don’t need this.” But when I first got diagnosed as an adult, my siblings were not surprised in the least. Apparently I’ve been giving ADHD since I was young. And looking back - yeeeaaah. There were several signs. As much as I got good grades and made friends, I was an oblivious child with a tendency to lose myself in my imagination. It’s what laid the foundation for my writing. It’s also what led to a lot of heartache. And as someone who wants to be a writer - a job that requires a lot of attention, focus, and consistency - it’s definitely not been easy.

But damn has it been fun.

Here are some ways that I’ve experienced ADHD as a writer - some great, some not so much.

1. Working twice as hard

I have to work twice as hard on everything that’s not fun. That sometimes includes writing. I’m not talking about the fun, lose-yourself-in-your-own-fantasy-world writing, although on occasion it does feel like I’m dragging twenty 50 lb weights on each of my finger tips. (Case in point, this post has taken 2 weeks to complete because I just wasn’t feeling it. And brain stuff is the fun stuff for me!). No, I’m talking about the mind-numbing, head-splitting required paperwork for things like college classes and business proposals. Don’t get me wrong - I’m good at this stuff. I know how to bullshit my way through an essay analyzing poetry from the 18th century or writing about current trends on the academic impacts on technology in classrooms and sound like I remember what I researched, and I got excellent grades during my technical writing courses in college. 

But I don’t like it. 

I don’t like so much that my house was consistently clean every weekend during my 4 ½ years of college because I would rather scrub my toilets than write those awful things. *dramatic sigh* I wish that I could sit down and focus. It would make my day job and my fun job so much easier than they are. Half the time, I don’t even know why I bother (*cough* paycheck).

But then there’s also the parts of it that are really good. Maybe things don’t come easy, and maybe they never will, but I’ve learned the value of perseverance. I’ve learned that even though things are hard, I can do it. I’ve learned that there are still valuable things to learn from stuff I hate. I’ve learned that even the hard stuff can get easy enough with practice and forced proximity (thanks Mom!) And I’ve learned there’s value to everything, even if I’m having a hard time seeing it.

2. The Big Four

There are four big things that hold my interest for long periods of time - Reading, Writing, Watching, and Gaming. Each of them are fairly self-explanatory…buuuut since you chose to read this, you’re kind stuck with me going through each one in detail.

Reading. My first Big. But not one that happens traditionally much anymore. My bad habit is spending money on books I get to hold in my hands. Unfortunately, I have found it really difficult to sit down and just read pages. It’s been that way for ages. So…my books, while pretty, have sat on my bookshelf for a while, and probably will continue to do so. When I was younger, I devoured books in single afternoons. Now, my fingers demand action, so audiobooks and podcasts are how I “read” these days. Sometimes, however, I can sit down and read like I did before. It takes some time and deliberate “power just went out in my neighborhood” moments. Or a really exciting combination of music and a good webtoon. Ahem - GRAPHIC NOVELS ARE REAL BOOKS TOO! I’m done.

Writing. My favorite Big. I love this one with all my heart. My very first special interest in this world was words. I just loved them as a child. Devoured the reading lessons as a toddler and learned whole words instead of phonics. There’s just something about the way that you can put words into any kind of order you want to make them make sense, and if you do it correctly, you can get people to feel things. That kind of emotional communication is what I want to strive for as I’m growing up as an author. Also…there’s a lot of power in them. Just saying. This one? This one I could rant on for hours. I will refrain myself. For now. Which is why this one is short. 

Watching. My odd Big. This one doesn’t manifest as loudly as the others. At least, I don’t really go on and on about them to other people. But I have a deep and abiding love for tv shows, movies, anime, and youtube (yes, that is a separate category). I need constant input from something, and sometimes my own mind scares me, so I distract it with fun background noise. Funny enough, for someone who can’t focus long enough to remember that she put her keys in the fridge when she was making toast, I can multitask with my Big Four interests with ease. Watching makes the repetitive motion of writing, editing, revising, rewriting and again easier. I also have a cycle. I will spend days watching movie after movie, then switch completely to tv shows. Then anime. Then youtube. Yes. Youtube is a separate category. Smosh is a fav. I have no regrets. I never know which one’s gonna hold my attention. So far, it’s Smosh on Youtube. But I’ve found myself inching towards tv shows again, mainly The Rookie, recently.

Gaming. My fun Big. This one pops up when I don’t feel like social obligations are needful and I’ve grown tired of the other Bigs. I have a massive list of big names in my STEAM account - Assassin’s Creed, Dishonored, Plague Tail, Quantic Dream’s three (Detroit, Heavy Rain, and Become Two Souls), Witcher, Talos Principle, Dark Anthology games, Tomb Raider, Dying Light, Horizon, Bioshock, and then a buttload of other standalone RPGs. Seeing a pattern? Immersive worlds and storytelling. What can I say? I’m predictable.

Honorable mention: Music. I wouldn’t really call this one of my Bigs because it’s not really something I will hyperfixate on as much as it’s a support my brain uses to help me get through boring tasks. I’m constantly listening to something or learning songs to sing, but I’ll always be doing it with one of the Big Four. So, not really sure how to categorize this one.

3. Hyperfixations 

These are the reason you get anything from me storywise. If you love my work, you better thank these little gremlins for providing them. You’ve heard before that caffeine doesn’t really work on people with ADHD. It has an opposite impact on me, at least. I calm down when I take stimulants of any kind. So, one of the only ways I get anything done is because one of these babies hits me from behind.

Only one problem - I really can’t control when they hit me, or about what. I’m lucky that my special interests lie in the same realm of existence and I’m usually targeting one of the Big Four when it hits so then whatever I’m working on becomes the focus (or something adjacent). But it’s not predictable, and it certainly hasn’t always stuck to one of the Big Four. Here’s a list of all the things I remember hyperfixating on for any length of time that had nothing to do with anything:

• I once hyperfixated for an entire week on painting boxes. I wanted to give gifts to my friends, but of course you don’t just give anything when you’re starving creatively. Learned I was pretty steady with a paint brush enough to make abstract art and bought myself a whole bunch of wooden boxes and paints…maybe took them out three times in total in the ten years I had it all, but always for days on end.

• Games I already mentioned, but there’s one particular area that was weird for a while. I don’t usually focus on these, but when I do/did, I got obsessed for days straight - achievements. I’ve gone literal months where all I did going home after work was jumping on and fixating on earning as many STEAM achievements and in game rewards as possible. Oh, and perfect runs. I love to go for a perfect run the first time, so I’ll explore every nook and cranny of a game twice over searching for the glowing thingies.

• Grammar. Yeah…that one was weird, too, but I literally sat down and went through an entire grammar book four or five times on my own. For fun. A book that I bought. For fun.

• Research. There’s a LOT of truth in the weirdness of an author’s search history. I’ve…had to be really careful with shared technology. Thank goodness I’m an adult now and can afford my own computers and tablets. When I was younger and going through a murder mystery phase, “how long it takes for bodies to decompose” was done entirely in “incognito”.

• Crochet! Once I learned crochet under duress as a child, then when I finally let my grandmother teach me how to do the simplest stitch, I kept going until I used half the yarn roll and made a yarn braid so long it went from one end of my grandfather’s house to the other. Bought tons of yarn when I was older. I never really learned any patterns either, lol. Couldn’t be bothered and it was far too confusing. I just…went by feel. I would like once a year whip out a hook and yarn and whip out fifty tiny little things (animals, key chains, monster balls) in three days, then put them away for another year.

Yeah.

4. Sensory Issues

Not going to lie, this one is pretty big and definitely not as fun as the others.

I have in 2025 bought somewhere close to 50 bottles of lotion (probably underselling a little here, too). No, not the small ones. The big ones. The small ones I refill to keep in my pocket everyday. 

Why? 

I can’t stand dry hands. 

Or dirt. 

I don’t know why my mind and body have rejected these things. I live in a desert. And I love writing. But paper? My brain itches when I touch it. And it has to be specific lotion. Jergen’s Ultra Healing. If it’s anything else, my mind says, “Abort, foreign substance has been found. Cease all rational control.” They feel too watery. Forget scratchy tags. Forget getting my hands dirty. And forget going barefoot on anything but carpet. I can’t do it. And this is how badly things have gone with lotion. I’m allergic to metals. I can wear rings on my fingers. My theory (probably wrong, but I’m still going with it) is that my hands are so oversaturated with lotion I have a chemical barrier between my skin and the metal rings. Either that or the heavy paint over them, lol.

See? Not fun. And that’s not even all of it. Chalkboard scratches, watching people break blocks of chalky stuff, the sound of the edge of a small whiteboard sitting and sliding against a wooden surface (yes, specific, deal with it), any sight or smell of vomit, the feel of certain clothing textures, big spoons (yes, this is real), matte book covers (I have beef with the publishing companies for that!), and more recently the sound of the drill in my mouth at the dentist’s office.

My brain is not a fun place.

And yes, it gets in the way of doing what I love sometimes. A lot of the time. Writing by hand used to be how I wrote everything. Now...sometimes it's doable if the pages feel right.

...got to go put more lotion on.

Now, let me preface this ending by saying that this list is far from done. But when I glanced at the page count Google docs, it said 7 out of 7. I figured that might be a little much for one blog post considering I still have nine things left on my list and it keeps growing every time something pops into my head. So, for now, thank you for enduring my self-exposing ramblings, and I’ll post the others as soon as I can.